Night Shift
by ilovebotdf111
Summary: It's Mr. Krabs' birthday, and the gang gets together to help him celebrate. Nothing seems out of the ordinary, but it isn't long before tempers flare and intentions are revealed. This will be a night to remember.
1. Chapter 1

_SpongeBob, wake up!_

I ripped myself from sleep, looking around frantically, trying to see who called my name.

"SpongeBob!" someone shouted again. I could recognize that it was Mr. Krabs' voice.

Oh shit, I forgot, I was at the Krusty Krab, wasn't I? I quickly glanced at my watch. Neptune, 2 in the morning. Please let my shift be over.

I got up, using all of my energy to walk over to Mr. Krabs, who was leaning against the door to his office. He looked pissed beyond belief. I wasn't looking forward to whatever scolding I was about to get.

"What's up Mr. K?" I managed to ask before letting out a loud yawn, unable to contain myself. Mr. Krabs looked annoyed at this. Hey, I couldn't help it.

"Boy, I'm not happy." Mr. Krabs stated with a loud voice. "Not happy at all!"

"Why?"

Mr. Krabs had an annoyed look on his face, as if just my being there was an irritation to him. He shook his head, letting out some _tsk tsk tsk_ 's. "I'm not happy because…" he paused for a second, and then all shades of annoyance left his face as he said, "You haven't told me what we're doing for me birthday tomorrow!" Mr. Krabs started chuckling wholeheartedly.

At first I thought he was joking, and all I could muster up for a reply was, "Mr. Krabs, can I go home now?" As much as I loved the Krusty Krab, the night shift was always a pain in the ass. Mr. Krabs stopped laughing.

"Boy! Did you forget about my birthday?" he exclaimed.

"It's not that I forgot, it's that I didn't know. When have we ever celebrated your birthday before?"

"Er, yeah, you know, I guess yer right," Mr. Krabs started, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. "But, you know, I was thinking that this time it would be different. We could get a group together and have a real humdinger of a night, me boyo!"

"I mean, I'll see what everyone's up to tomorrow night. But what about the Krusty Krab?" I responded.

"Oh, don't ya worry about that! Tomorrow, we're all taking the day off!"

I couldn't complain with that. If it meant that I could sleep in tomorrow, I would take Mr. Krabs to the Great Barrier Reef if he'd asked me. I couldn't even remember the last time I had a day off. I knew Squidward would be ecstatic with this news.

"Alright bucko, yer free to go. See ya tomorrow night! I can hardly contain meself!" Mr. Krabs exclaimed, laughing excitedly. I chuckled to myself and left the restaurant, starting the long walk home. I was so tired I could barely move, but the thought of having tomorrow off put me in great spirits. I slept like a log that night.

The next morning, or afternoon, or whatever it was, I woke up and still felt obscenely tired. I chuckled to myself, saying "I'm ready" and hoisting myself out of bed. When I was brushing my teeth, I got a call on my shell-phone. It was Mr. Krabs.

"Hi Mr. K," I answered. "What's up?"

"Hey boyo! I tried calling you a few times already, but you must've been asleep. Well, I was just checkin' to make sure that we were still on for a crazy time tonight!"

I let out a laugh and replied, "Well, maybe not too crazy, we wouldn't want Patrick to tear up the city." Mr. Krabs thought that was exceptionally funny.

"Hey! Don't forget to bring Squidward! I think he'd appreciate the quality time."

"Well, I'll try. He usually just likes to keep to himself, but I'll check and see if he wants to go. I'll see you tonight Mr. K. Meet us at _Fancy!_ at 7 o' clock tonight. _"_

"Oh, fancy!" Mr. Krabs said, and I hung up. I let out a sigh. Hopefully everyone is free tonight. I wouldn't want to show up by myself for the "big" celebration. That would be awkward.

When I finished getting ready, I walked over to Squidward's house. I knocked on his door, but there was no answer. I knew he was in there, because I could hear him playing his shitty clarinet. I knocked louder a second time.

I heard a frustrated grumble and angry stomping towards the door. The door swung open, and a furious Squidward was standing in front of me. "SpongeBob you barnacle head! It is three in the afternoon, this is when I practice my clarinet! Now kindly _go away!_ " Squidward tried to slam the door in my face, but I put my foot in the doorway, keeping it from closing.

"I just came to ask if you wanted to get dinner to celebrate Mr. Krabs' birthday tonight. He'd really appreciate it," I said.

Squidward let out a sarcastic chuckle. "And why in Neptune's name would I do that? Have dinner with a few shell-for-brains? I'd rather be stung by a jellyfish – no, _two_ jellyfish!"

"Suit yourself Squidward. I guess you'll be spending your day off eating microwaved urchin-soup while Mr. Krabs and I go to _Fancy!_ tonight." I started to walk away, knowing full well that Squidward wouldn't pass up such fine dining.

" _Fancy!_ , you mean, _the Fancy!_ "

"Yeah Squid, the restaurant in a ship. In a bottle." I replied smugly.

"Oh, well, uh, why didn't you say so? I'd be delighted to accompany you fellows tonight, and for such a special occasion, I'll wear my finest suit!" Squidward exclaimed excitedly, slamming the door and running upstairs to find out what he was going to wear.

I shouted up to his upstairs window, "Alright, meet us there at 7 o' clock!" and walked over to Patrick's house. I knocked on the hard rock exterior. Doing that always made my knuckles hurt like a bitch. The rock lifted up, revealing Patrick stuck to its underside. "Hey SpongeBob!" he exclaimed excitedly.

"Hey Pat! Do you wanna go get dinner tonight with Mr. Krabs? It's his birthday."

"Oh. Well, uh, will there be food?"

"Uh, yeah Pat. That's what I meant by dinner. We're going to that fancy restaurant on the other side of town."

"Ooooh, a fancy restaurant for a bunch of fancy people! I love being fancy!" Patrick exclaimed excitedly.

"Well, in that case, meet us there at 7 o' clock tonight. And for the love of Neptune Patrick, please try to look presentable."

"I always do, my good man," he replied in his best fancy tone, and the rock slammed back down. Now all I needed to ask was Sandy, and the gang would all be there.

After a ten minute walk, I arrived at Sandy's. I put on my glass helmet and drained the water from the airlock, and made my way inside. Sandy was sitting at her picnic table, admiring the ecosystem of her tree-dome.

"Isn't it beautiful SpongeBob? The flowers blooming, the butterflies, the grass. Spring is finally here," she said with a contented sigh. I didn't even know what spring was, so I didn't comment on it. I looked at Sandy as nonchalantly as I could. She was looking at the tree, but I was enjoying a view of my own. I always found it hard to ignore her choice of fashion. A bikini doesn't leave much to the imagination, and I always found her to be attractive. Well, attractive for a mammal.

I cut to the chase. "Hey, me and the guys are meeting Mr. Krabs at that fancy restaurant tonight at 7 if you wanna come. It's his birthday." After a pause, I added, "I'd really like for you to be there."

Sandy spun around, a big grin on her face. "Well I'd love to SpongeBob! You always know how to treat a girl."

I didn't know how to respond to this, and to be honest I didn't know what she was talking about. I've never had a girlfriend in my life. "Well, uh, good. See you tonight then." I spun around and headed out the door without saying another word. As I took my helmet off, I buried my face in my hands, letting out an embarrassed sigh. Why did I make that so fucking awkward? I headed back to my house and started to get ready.

We all converged at the restaurant a bit earlier than we planned. Apparently no one wanted to be fashionably late, especially Patrick, who showed up at five wondering where the hell everyone was. He was dressed like he always was, not taking my advice. Squidward was wearing a shockingly expensive looking tuxedo, and Mr. Krabs and I wore button-downed shirts. We honestly should've dressed a little fancier, but to me, comfort was key. I looked over to Sandy, who looked stunning in her beautiful purple dress. I quickly glanced away when she caught my gaze.

Mr. Krabs looked giddy with excitement. "Well, shall we?" he said as he held the door open for everyone. As we took our seats, my head started pounding with a headache. I excused myself to the bathroom. I took out the painkillers from my pocket and started munching on a few. I threw some water on my face, letting out a sigh. This was going to be a long night.


	2. Chapter 2

The waiter came to greet us promptly, like any good fancy gentleman would. Being a fancy gentleman myself, I felt entirely at home in this upscale establishment, which is more than can be said for the rest of the buffoons I was dining with. Patrick was being loud and obnoxious as always, and when it was his turn to order his beverage, the idiot let out a loud belch. I was embarrassed to be keeping such low company, but a fancy gentleman makes a point to never dine alone. It's just not classy.

"And for you, madam?" the waiter inquired.

"I'll take yer house scotch," Sandy replied nonchalantly.

" _Scotch?_ " I blurted out, unable to contain myself. "That's not very womanly of you, Sandy. And house scotch no less? No, that won't do." I turned to the waiter. "My good man, the lady and I will share a bottle of pinot noir."

The waiter rolled his eyes, saying "I'll be sure to tell the sommelier to spare no expense." He moved on to SpongeBob. "And what will it be for you, sir?"

"I'm fine with water," he responded. How embarrassing. Didn't he know that it was unseemly to go to an upscale restaurant and only sip the complimentary drink? Somehow these places need to pay the bills. I was ashamed to be seen with him. The waiter turned to Mr. Krabs, who ordered a pricy bourbon. Obviously he was treating himself, it was his birthday after all.

The waiter walked off into the kitchen. I thought to myself how amazing it would be to work here, amidst people with class and taste, unlike the Krusty Krab which is unfit for a man of my talents. It was only a matter of time before I left that hellhole, however. Yes, an artist like me just needs to wait for his big break, and mine will be coming soon enough. I practice my clarinet for two hours every weekday, I paint gorgeous portraits, I write astounding literature – it was only a matter of time. I laughed to myself, thinking about how the Krusty Krab was going to sink without me being there to keep it afloat.

I was pulled from my daydreaming by a nagging voice. "Squidward, why couldn't you just let Sandy order what she wanted," SpongeBob said. I stared at him across the table, annoyed at his misunderstanding. Sandy looked embarrassed.

I replied, "I was simply teaching her how to be fancy. A woman can't order a scotch in a place like this, it wouldn't be acceptable. So, I made it easier for her." I looked over at Sandy, placing my tentacle on her hand. "You don't mind, do you Sandy?"

She removed her hand from underneath mine. "No Squidward, that's fine," she said meekly. She avoided my gaze and looked over at SpongeBob, giving an awkward smile. SpongeBob did not look happy.

"Whatever Squidward, just…" SpongeBob looked like he wanted to say something, but either couldn't find the words, or was too much of a loser to find the guts to say them. I had to chime in to help him finish what he started, like the gentleman that I am.

"No, go on Sponge. Say what you want to say, be my guest," I said. SpongeBob's face suddenly grew red with frustration.

" _I'm_ not anybody's guest. If anyone is the guest, you are Squidward. And you better start acting like one," he said sharply. The nerve of this asshole! I can't believe what a scene he was making over something as simple as drinks! He leaned in closer to the table, talking quietly so as not to make a scene, "The only reason I invited your lonely ass was because Mr. Krabs wanted you to come."

Mr. Krabs let out an awkward, sheepish chuckle, rubbing the back of his neck. "Boys, boys, calm down. Can't we get along just for one day?" Patrick nodded his head in childish agreement. I paid him no attention. Just because it was Mr. Krabs' birthday didn't give SpongeBob the right to rip into me like this, especially in an establishment as respected as this one. The nerve of some people!

"Well," I retorted, "If I'm the guest, then I guess I won't be paying tonight. Someone else can pick up my tab." Of course I wasn't _really_ this oafish, I just wanted to shut SpongeBob up.

SpongeBob, red with anger, practically shouted, "You can fuck right off with that!" Diners turned around to observe the commotion, and I've never been more embarrassed in my life. How can a man of such high stature like me be seen with a fool like him? Disgraceful. I began to think that maybe I should just order my food to go and head on back to my abode. The group would certainly be poorer without me. Suddenly, the waiter came over to us, but he had no drinks in hand. He pointed to SpongeBob and me.

He said in a stern voice, "If you too are going to fight, take it outside. This is a proper establishment, and I won't have you disturbing the peace of other customers. Please go outside if you are going to raise your voices."

"Well, Squidward, shall we go outside like proper gentlemen?" SpongeBob said in a sarcastic, angry tone. I agreed, being the gentleman I had always been, and stood up to walk outside. As I was leaving, I caught sight of Sandy. Her face was glowing red with embarrassment, and looked like she was on the verge of crying. But, it strangely enhanced her beauty. Seeing her in a state of raw emotion sent chills of lust down my back. I would see those same raw emotions on my bed, one way or the other.

SpongeBob and I went out to the parking lot. I let out a sigh, and was about to start arguing like a gentleman when I was suddenly brutishly pushed up against a car. "You stay the fuck away from Sandy, you little fucking creep!" SpongeBob yelled. Onlookers gazed at us, and I was quite sure that a valet was going to report us to the police. But I didn't care anymore. SpongeBob was treating me like a second-class citizen, and it was only fair to reciprocate.

" _Me?_ Excuse me for being a gentleman, shit-for-brains."

"Yeah," SpongeBob replied angrily, "some fucking gentleman you are, Squidward. Couldn't you see you were creeping her out back there? You were making her fucking uncomfortable, and that made _me_ pretty fucking uncomfortable!"

"Yeah? And what are _you_ going to do about it?" SpongeBob backed off a little, looking dejected. "No, seriously, I want to know, you fucking yellow idiot." I pushed myself off of the car and got close to SpongeBob, injecting my words with venom. "So, you wanna _fuck_ her do you? Is that it? You wanna fuck her? You wanna hear her moan your fucking pathetic name?"

"Stop," SpongeBob interrupted, sounding defeated.

"Oh, you _love_ her do you? You love her because she was the only one that listened to you when everything went to shit, huh?" I started poking him in the chest. I was filled with unbridled anger now, the likes of which I've never experienced. I grew completely unaware of my surroundings, and forgot for a while that I was a gentleman.

I continued, filling every vowel with the heat of my anger. " _You_ love her, so she's yours. You love her but she doesn't even fucking know you love her. Why? Because you're a fucking dunce. You've never had a girlfriend. You've never kissed a girl. You've never _fucked_ a girl. I wouldn't be surprised if you fucked Patrick before, but you don't know how to treat a lady like Sandy."

SpongeBob looked overcome with anger, and I was amazed he was able to hold back. I egged him on further. "How old are you? Thirty? And you've never tasted a girl. And you think you could have Sandy? Don't be a fucking idiot. No SpongeBob, she needs a real man. Someone who can take care of her, satisfy her needs." I moved in closer to SpongeBob.

"And tonight, I'll see her on her fucking knees—" I was interrupted by a fist crashing into my mouth, knocking me to the ground. I heard a woman gasp as she made her way back to her car, having witnessed the argument. I was embarrassed to be seen like this. I looked up at SpongeBob, who was making his way back into the restaurant.

I took out a handkerchief and wiped the blood from my mouth and I forced myself to get up. My mouth and head were throbbing, and I stumbled my way into the restaurant's bathroom. I caught Sandy's gaze from inside the dining room, and she let out a gasp when she saw me. SpongeBob was sitting angrily beside her, not saying anything. In fact, nobody was saying anything.

I entered the bathroom and went to the sink immediately, rinsing the blood off of my mouth. I tidied up my tuxedo, it having been messed up as I hit the ground. What a fucking animal, I can't believe he did that! He is definitely no gentleman.

After a few minutes, I headed back to the dining room and took my seat. I stared angrily at SpongeBob. Mr. Krabs had a smug smile on his face, as if he felt some satisfaction at the barbarity that took place. The waiter came over, pen and paper in hand, and asked SpongeBob and I, "So, gentleman, I take it that everything's been resolved?" I nodded, staring directly into SpongeBob's eyes.

The waiter clicked his pen. "Splendid, are we ready to order?"


	3. Chapter 3

Our food came about a half-hour after we'd ordered it. That's the thing about these fancy places - you wait an absurd amount of time for something that was probably microwaved and served on some fancy china, paying ludicrous amounts of money for a ludicrous amount of food. I stared down at my steak. It was probably half the size of my claw, if my claw were half the size that it is now.

I looked up at SpongeBob, who seemed completely out of his element. He was staring at his burger as though he expected it to turn into a Krabby Patty at any moment. Hell, I could've gone for one of those greaseballs myself. I turned to Squidward, whose mouth was black and swollen from whatever the hell happened outside. I couldn't help but feel happy when I saw it. Squidward's been a real pain in my ass lately, hardly ever showing up for work nowadays but complaining like a motherfucker when he's there. He had the nerve to ask me for a raise the other day, can you believe that? Well, either way, I'm glad he came, I've got a surprise for him later.

Patrick started whining because he already finished his food. It'd probably been an entire three minutes since the stuff was put in front of us, but Patrick horfed it down before the server had a chance to place it on the table. I couldn't help but get angry with him. To be honest, I never liked him. Sloth and gluttony are sins that no youth should be partaking in, as far as I'm concerned. Back in my military days, we would've abused Patrick to no end. The world has no place for a waste of skin like Patrick. Still, I'm glad he came, I've got a surprise for him later.

As for Sandy, I wasn't too fond of her either. She was one of the biggest whores in Bikini Bottom from what I heard. She definitely had the power to catch stares, but it's mostly because she's a mammal more than anything. Mammal's have been a hot, exotic commodity in the ocean recently. Sandy was the first to come down here, but after a while, a lot of them somehow found their way down into these murky depths. Most of them sell their bodies on street corners in the dead of night, because no respectful establishment will allow a smelly, furry mammal to be seen by clientele. As much as she tries to hide it, Sandy used to be one of those street girls. She was expensive too, knowing that she was a rare one. She left that life behind eventually, and I guess I can understand why. It must get boring taking cock for cash every night, but she definitely didn't stop fooling around. All that being said, I'm glad she came, I've got a surprise for her later.

SpongeBob was the odd one of the group, and I don't mean that in a "oh, he's so wacky and funny!" kind of way either. He used to be a well of constant merriment, bringing contagious cheer wherever he went. I've never seen someone so happy. But after the incident a year back, he's just never been the same. To be completely honest, it pisses me off. Everyone else would've moved on by now. It's just childish to mope around like that, bringing everyone around you down to your level. What a buzzkill. He's driven off more customers than he brings in nowadays, and he always fucks up the food now. I kept him hired out of pity, if anything. What would people think if I let the boy go during his most trying time? Well, that's what I used to think, anyway. But now I'm practically broke because of him, and I want him gone. Whatever; I'm glad he came, I've got a surprise for him later.

"Quit staring at me Squidward," SpongeBob said suddenly in an annoyed tone. Squidward didn't answer and he continued to stare right at him, chewing his food painfully. I could feel his anger from across the table. I couldn't help but smile at the sensation.

"Squidward, stop that right now. I'm sick of looking at you."

"So, when are you gonna tell her?" Squidward suddenly said in a mocking tone.

"What?"

Squidward turned to Sandy and put his tentacle on her shoulder. "When are you going to tell this pretty little girl how you feel about her?" Squidward said. Sandy started to squirm uncomfortably, trying to get Squidward's tentacle off of her shoulder.

SpongeBob started to sweat. Trying to brush it off, he replied, "I don't know what you mean. Let's just finish eating so we can get out of here."

"You _love_ her right?" Sandy let out a quick, embarrassed gasp, and she put her hands in front of her mouth. "It's only a matter of time before you have to tell her. It's not right to lead a poor girl on!"

"Squidward, please -" Sandy stammered, but she was promptly interrupted.

"Why the hell are we even here?" Squidward said loudly, attracting attention throughout the dining hall. "Huh? Why the hell are we here?" He turned to SpongeBob. "You invite me on this charade, promising fine dining and you act like a barbarian the entire night. You punch me in my face and expect me to forget it, just because it's Mr. Krabs' birthday?"

"Squidward, now isn't the fucking time," SpongeBob said in a hushed whisper, leaning into the table so as not to add tinder to the flammable scene. I was getting giddy with excitement. I wanted to see some of the violence that I had missed outside.

"And _you!"_ Squidward shouted, pointing at me. I admit that this took me off guard, and I could feel my anger rising. "Since when do we celebrate your birthday, you old ass! I've worked at the Krusty Krab for seventeen years and not once have we ever celebrated your birthday. So I'm forced to ask yet again. Why. Are. We. Here."

All eyes were on me. I could see in the distance a waiter attempted to come and kick us out, but the host stopped him in his tracks. He wanted to see where this was going. He needed the entertainment. I opened my mouth, trying hard to conceal my absolute rage.

"Neptune forbid that I want to celebrate my birthday with some friends for once in my life," I said.

Squidward let out a _harumph_ , replying "All your friends are dead, old man." Not taking his eyes off of me, he pointed to SpongeBob, saying "Just like this guy's -"

Suddenly a wine glass shattered across Squidward's face, accompanied by loud gasping from the onlooking diners. Squidward was completely unaware to the coming attack, and I honestly had no idea where it came from either, until I looked over at SpongeBob who was standing up, fuming with rage. Squidward brought his tentacles up to his face reflexively, blood pouring from his nose and forehead. Soon he fell to the ground unconscious.

"Call the police!" the host shouted. "Call the police right now!" I jumped up from my seat, putting my hands up to grab everyone's attention.

"That won't be necessary gentlemen. These two… These two _idiots_ are just drunk and have had a bit of a mishap." I threw a thick wad of cash on the table and grabbed Squidward's unconscious body. I began to drag him outside, when I noticed SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy were all still at the table, looking shocked. Angrily, I snapped "Get the lead out of your ass and let's fucking go!"

When we made it out to the parking lot, I threw Squidward in the back of my boat. "I'll take him back to my place," I started. "I'll get him cleaned up there, maybe take him to a hospital in the morning." Everyone nodded, saying nothing, and started to walk away. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?" I shouted. They all stopped in their tracks.

"You're not going anywhere. This isn't my responsibility. SpongeBob, this is your fucking fault. The least you kids can do is help me with Squidward. Just come on back with me to my place so we can get everything sorted out."

"Mr. Krabs," SpongeBob began, "I really think maybe we should just go home. I can take him if you want."

"I'm not having that," I responded angrily, "It's still my birthday and I won't have it ruined by some stupid kids! Now hurry up and get your asses in the boat!" I watched as they slowly crawled into the vehicle. I couldn't read the emotions on their faces. It seemed like they were all just tired, but I knew that they were all shocked about what happened, even SpongeBob.

As I began the drive home, I couldn't help but smiling, and the rage I had felt in the parking lot melted away. This is perfect, bringing everyone back to my place. "We're gonna forget that this happened," I started, looking at the kids in the back through my rear-view mirror. "I'm glad you all decided to come with me. I've got a great surprise in store for you all!"


End file.
